One morning she was adventuring, weaving her way through trees and calling to birds perched on branches. With no destination in mind, she meandered for miles, taking abrupt turns and ignoring any well-worn trails she came across. It wasn’t long until the blue turned orange, and her shadow stopped following her. Unable to see through the thick foliage, she climbed up the nearest tree and looked for a clearer path to follow back home. In the distance, there were lights, and she could see where the trees grew sparse. The tree limbs acted as monkey bars, allowing her to go over the dense undergrowth. A branch grabbed ahold of the back of her shirt. One hand continued to clench the limb, while she tried using the other to untangle herself. Seeing no way out of the branch’s grasp, she decided to let go of the limb and fall to the forest floor. The branch, unwilling to let her go, tore through the fabric, and she landed between a wall of trees and the mouth of a cave.
She had heard stories about an ominous cave in these woods before. When she was little, her father would tell her bedtime stories about lost souls searching for a way out of this world, only to find these stone walls. The cave consumed hearts. It drew in the unguarded, people whose hearts burned with unrequited longing, and spit out lifeless carcasses, void of hope and free from the trappings of love. The souls, with no hearts left to offer, were unable to enter the cave and were left to wander through the woods. “They’re still there today, lingering around the cave, looking for bodies to occupy and hearts to sacrifice,” her dad would whisper, before yelling “boo!” and tickling her until she laughed loudly enough that he was convinced she would rest easy at the tales he spun.
She shook off the memory as one of the many myths her dad told her to keep her out of the woods. There was something eerie about the way the cave was placed. It was isolated; the only way into the opening was falling the way she had come. The trees trunks were woven together so tightly that her only choices were to climb back up or to venture into the cave. She no longer heard any birds chirping or saw squirrels scurrying up tree trunks. There was just stillness. Absent was the light breeze that brushed her earlier, replaced by a chill that sent shivers down her spine. Her instincts screamed to run, run and climb back up to where the setting sun would light her way home. Ready to turn back and scale the tree, she felt a familiar ache within her. Instead of lingering silently within the confines of her heart, it throbbed. It pulsed violently, trying to drag her resistant body forward. She ignored her impulses to escape and let it pull her into the cave, fully aware that the foreboding air surrounding it signified something sinister lying deep inside.
Veils of darkness wrapped themselves around her as she went deeper in. The dark was tangible, and she felt each layer, suffocating her. It was like trudging through quicksand; she had to push harder with each step, her weight growing increasingly harder to carry. It took all her willpower to drag herself to the far end of the cave. On her final step, her hand touched the wall, and she would sink no further. Gusts of wind racked her body and blew the sand away, leaving her with a stinging emptiness. Realizing she reached a dead-end, she felt the menacing atmosphere close in on her. She turned around and started running as fast as she could back to the mouth of the cave. It felt farther somehow. She crashed into a tree before she realized she reached the outside.
It didn’t hurt like she expected it to. In fact, she felt nothing. She was numb to the cuts and splinters. She no longer felt the pull to discover, nor the yearning for unattainable arms. She couldn’t remember the thirst to fill the hollow heart she once had. She set off again, scaling the wall of trees, and immersed herself deeper into the woods she’d never be able to leave.
i crave the heat of flames
dragged across my skin
whispered words and names
hearing only where you’ve been
we’re playing games with fire
like a dog with a bone
watching it flare higher
reaping embers sown
glaciers melting as i sigh
overlooking your sparkling eye
burning with intention to throw
gallons of gasoline into an inferno
confess without the things i bring-
exploding air and kindling-
if asked for a star this cold night
you would never kindle light
i’m jumping onto a sinking ship
and taking it as far as it’ll sail
i’m welcoming the waiting ice
reaching to pull me into an embrace
i’m walking on a burning bridge
not looking for the other side
the flames lick my ankles
and roar to kiss my blue lips
Being sad is like being drunk and taking a walk and turn sobriety test. When you’re happy, you’re walking right on through life. Hell, you’re skipping. It doesn’t matter if you stumble a little. You’re moving forward.
But when you’re sad, you’re not going forward, certainly not in a straight line. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going in circles, faltering with each step.
God was supposed to be my DD. He was supposed to hold my hands as I staggered through. He was supposed to guide me, and hold me up, while my feet dragged on. But somewhere along the way, I let go of His hands.
Sad people have a tendency to get drunk. And maybe they forget for a while. But as I stumbled through my walk, I drank nothing, not alcohol, and certainly not living water. So I felt everything. Each memory was the searing pain of an alcoholic thirsting for a drop.
And when I tripped and fell, I didn’t get back up.
i’ve learned the more you speak of something,
the more it will ring true.
when people want to hear my story,
i find it starts and ends with you.
i know if i ever want to rid myself of this cold,
the warmth is in the light.
this soul wasn’t mine to have sold,
but i stained it out of spite.
i think if i laughed a little louder at your jokes
instead of his wit,
if i spent more time seeing your smile
instead of his dimple,
i admit,
i could be happy
when unrequited love lingers too long,
it eats you from the inside out.
it claws its way under your skin,
and it boils in your blood.
it runs, screaming, through your veins.
it corrodes your body,
leaving your heart intact
to endure all the agony,
all the tears, all the burdens
of your decaying corpse.
when its once-steady thrum falters
and falls out of step,
you are compelled
to put a gun in your mouth
or tighten the knot of a noose
or teeter on a precipice.
not because you have given up,
not because you have chosen death,
not because you are selfish,
but because your tired heart
can no longer bear the weight.
death comes when
the rotting in your bones
outstrips the swelling of your heart.
would you think me
pitiful to hold you
to promises made
before you knew better,
or rather,
had better?
or
would you think me
cynical to conclude
promises were made
solely to stay with me,
or rather,
in me?
we agreed
on mindless actions
knowing full well
the value
of our warmth
until you realized
i could never melt
I love gray. But loving it makes me feel unusual, irrational. People stare and whisper that I’m dark and morbid. My eyes only see the gray that was my life.
Then, I go outside and look at how the sunlight hits the trees, and I like color. And I can smile, and people smile back, happy to include someone just like them. They’re happy that I like the colors that paint their lives.
But my rainbow, it sparkles with an iridescent sheen. It twirls, dances, and sings. It envelopes me in vibrant warmth. It’s beautiful: better and brighter than any color they’ve ever seen.
And I understand. Gray must be him.
And the colors? They must be someone amazing.
really feelin this right now
drops fall
from the crooks
of my collarbones
and pool between
our bodies
where we hold
our embrace
so this is dancing
in the rain
when i come undone
and see all the times
i was unclasped
and cajoled,
tears fall, and
i thank you
for leaving
and depriving me
of more transgression
i was not
a shiny, new toy,
ready to be
played with
and broken
and yet,
you wore me out
and left me
to rust
you dropped me
on the floor
and let me roll
in the mud
you threw me
at other kids
with greedy hands,
eager
to toss me around
when you
scratched me,
you saw
no blood
when i
hit the pavement,
you didn’t hear
bones snap
when i was
broken-down,
you didn’t hear
me scream
but surely,
when you bought
a shiny, new toy,
surely,
you saw me cry
if it was love that you wanted,
when i could only kiss
i’ll lie awake, haunted,
knowing i settled for this
and when you hold her heart
that much closer to your own,
i hope you hear mine quicken
for i was not alone
you felt my rise and fall
the beating in my chest
the rhythm of it all
to whom we have confessed
if your love is what i’ll look for,
it will be in vain
i’ve something you already tore
and so your lust didst wane
if all turned to ash
I would save the box on fire
for its flaming heart
